The Greatest Gift on this Father’s day

I am up before others this a.m. preparing for the day.  Morning prayer has greeted me and light reading provided some insight and perspective from which to view the day.  The sun is shining, my cat is snoring, and the birds in the backyard are singing, I kid you not, this is not just a cliche.  The birds are truly singing.

My daily ritual includes gratitude for the gifts I have been granted.  On this Father’s day, I am blessed to have three wonderful children, each of whom I am equally proud of their uniqueness, and individual accomplishments.  Each child has had their own share of adversity and each is truly paving their own path.  Of course, they have been blessed with being raised by a literal “Mother Theresa” for a role model, my wife.  The gifts that I have been given in addition to my priceless family are too numerous and dare I say onerous to write down here.  They include the magnificent and impossible, promises unnamed here, adversities and pain, and the mundane everyday gifts that life presents.  Yes, adversity and pain are gifts, and perhaps the greatest gift of them all minus one.

Tielhard de Chardin reminded me of the greatest gift this morning, despite his having passed decades ago:

“In the life which wells up in me and in the manner which sustains me, I find much more than Your gifts.  It is you Yourself whom I find, You which makes me participate in Your chardin1being.  You who molds me.  Truly in the ruling and in the first disciplining of my living strength, in the continuous play of secondary causes, I touch as near as possible , the two faces of Your creative action, and I encounter, and kiss, Your two marvelous hands–the one that holds us so firmly that it is merged, in us, with the sources of life, and the other whose embrace is so wide that, at its slightest pressure, all the springs of the universe respond harmoniously together.”  Teilhard de Chardin, SJ, 1881-1955

I have needed much-disciplining in my life, much sustaining, and on-going molding – may God’s creative actions continue to be prominent in all of our lives.

Happy Fathers day and may we all strive to be like the original creator, the original father, in all our thoughts, actions, and deeds.



I am up too late tonight.  I am somewhat in the valley of my mood range despite having no outward claim to be disgruntled, angry with my creator, or otherwise disenfranchised.    To the contrary, I have many gifts to be grateful for, including among them adversities that have ensured I am well grounded in humility and empathy for my fellow man and sometimes even for myself!  These adversities have also demanded I have it out with my conception of religion, of people of faith, of spiritual seeking people, and ultimately of God.

At pivotal points in my life, psychic pain and suffering pitted against belief in a merciful and personal God have come into sharp contrast and confrontation.  I like to think “I” have come through these events stronger and better prepared for suffering, yet I know that alone I would not last a second in some of the valleys I have traversed or may have to face down the road apiece.

What if I chose not to face those valleys?  What if life was so unforgiving and so merciless in my perception, in my reality for me, that it became unworthy living?   Most would not judge me well.  On the outside, I have all the “trappings of normalcy” sprinkled with my unique madness that makes everyone a little different, a little more mysterious.    Would you be in any position to judge me?  Can we ever really know the sufferer beneath the smile of the ones we love or the stranger next door?

Intellectually I can hold court with rational support for both sides of this debate.  I have no interest in doing so.  We would have to prioritize the issue on several levels:  societal values, individual rights, medical cost, impacted loved ones, moral and spiritual weights, philosophical underpinnings, and perhaps basic ethics.

There is a higher measure here — deep sorrow. Noa Pothaven died young and incited a Euthanasia debate that she did not want.  Her story and suffering will be a book a film no doubt – but will we learn and change anything?


Noa Pothoven

Noa suffered repeated trauma at the hands of others.  The stories referenced below do not focus on justice for Noah or efforts to prevent future traumatic events to girls and women.  Our professionals were not able to provide “trauma-informed care” to save this woman from the demons of her past experiences and the presence of deep psychic pain today.   Two major systemic failures leap out here in criminal justice and mental health fields.  Timely and effective prevention of sexual exploitation and violence and swift justice for acts of same is not an accepted or supported norm in our societies.  The mental health systems are not built to provide surround care and nurturing when these horrible acts transpire in a manner that truly embraces recovery.  Of course, this is an overgeneralization.

There are a wonderful therapist and crisis counselors doing awesome work and interventions out there.  They are just not armed with the resources to provide the system of care required to insulate and care for victims of horrendous crimes care.  We will never know where Noa would be if either of these two systems were fully and appropriately able to combat sexual violence and treat victims promptly and for as long as necessary with comprehensive care in a culture that does not allow for victim blaming and shaming.  Even in the absence of assault, we have to be responsive to people with mental health conditions that lead to self-harming behaviors.  Our observations cannot grasp the reality and suffering present within the mind of the person contemplating self-harm or suicide.  Eating disorders, major depression, bipolar disorder, addictions, alcoholism, and countless other maladies defy common understanding unless you experience it or are clairvoyant.   Help and provide hope rather than judge and run away.

I cannot type a word against Noa or even the “End of Life Clinic” pictured below.  They have a team of nurses and doctors that help people legally take their own life.  I wonder what they charge – rather callously, this post deserves no humor.


The article above details their work.  To do the work they do I imagine they are a deeply caring lot that faces pain, controversy, and death every day. Taking on that duty of trying to reasonably provide an option to people living with unbearable pain while ensuring full faculty of mind is a terrible endeavor, not to mention morally confounding. 

deathIf we were doing our work well, they would not have a lot of business.  We are failing our youth in areas of education, nutrition, poverty, safety, civility, spirituality, and overall universally, global respect for all people (women, men, children, of every race, of every nationality, of every sexual orientation).  It is not just a Netherlands problem or an American problem, but a universal moral and spiritual failure.   

Hats off to our hospice and palliative care specialist as well that help people make informed choices, access treatments and define advanced directives that speak for them when they can no longer speak for themselves.  I owe this field an apology of sorts as I often make jokes about their grim reaper role, underneath it all they give care when it is most needed and most complex.  They are not at all “End of Life Clinics” despite many people they see are heading towards death’s door with dignity and respect.  palliative care

Euthanasia is a serious question, but can we first treat people with dignity and respect before they reach death’s door or before they reach such immense suffering that they are asking to kick the door in?  Hopefully,Phil_GatesOfHell they are not by this act kicking in the Gates of Hell as Catholic doctrine teaches voluntary suicide is contrary to church law.  Again can we work with what we know to be true and attempt to create heaven on earth by acts within our ability here and now on earth. 

Can we start with praying for Noa and her family and then go out and act on the greater good in each of our communities?  Prayer if well informed, can lead to noble and honorable action here and now supported by the grace of God.  The photo is of Rodan’s Gates of Hell.  I do not believe suicidal gestures and actions doom one to enter these gates.  I do believe we have to wrestle more earnestly with issues of human dignity, come to understand human suffering and expand our access to the mystery of the divine nature within all of us.  

Euthanasia is happening here in America legally, illegally, and in-between the two with a nod and an extra push on the morphine button.   Are we much different than the Netherlands?

“Death by euthanasia is 4% of all deaths in the Netherlands. Is that a slippery slope? I don’t think so,” said Pleiter. Much of the demand was coming from the baby-boomer generation, he added. “They are thinking differently about the way life ends. God and religion are less dominant in their lives. They want more autonomy. But every case is unique.”  In 2017, some 6,585 people chose euthanasia to end their own lives in the Netherlands, about 4.4 percent of the total number of more than 150,000 registered deaths in the country, according to the Regional Euthanasia Review Committee which strictly monitors all cases.

In the U.S., suicide is the tenth leading cause of death.  This number, representing only about 1.3 percent of all deaths, does not accurately account for deaths due to underreporting, intentional deaths by overdose, alcohol-related deaths, and suspicious deaths (with hidden motive and intentions). Legal or not, we have too many people successfully taking their own lives.

Additional Facts About Suicide in the US

  • The age-adjusted suicide rate in 2017 was 14.0 per 100,000 individuals.
  • The rate of suicide is highest in middle-age white men in particular.
  • In 2017, men died by suicide 3.54x more often than women.
  • On average, there are 129 suicides per day.
  • White males accounted for 69.67% of suicide deaths in 2017.
  • In 2017, firearms accounted for 50.57% of all suicide deaths.

Anyone want to join me on vacation to the Netherlands?  Pack light we can save on baggage fees and return airfare.    Okay, maybe the post needs a little dark humor.  

It is quiet now.  Three-twenty a.m. in the morning.  It is the most trying time for people who are struggling with mental health – no one to call and silence and quiet all around.  Spiritually it is a great time to pray and can be an equally challenging experience in times of desolation.  Woe is the person who faces both at the same time (sickness and desolation), yet they often come hand in hand.  Find solace in prayer and if nothing else works wake everyone the hell up – people love a little drama in the middle of the night!


The Advocate Mystery

I began a four hundred and fifty-mile drive on Thursday morning from Dover, De to Lake Erie, PA with a van full of people.  In the past, I drove straight to PA and then headed west.  In my head, I thought I will change drivers as soon as we hit Delaware.  It was a rather selfish thought.  PA border is only about 50 minutes into the trip not counting our pickups of other passengers.  We had 11 altogether but only one co-pilot. About ten minutes shy of PA mapquest takes me south into Maryland and around PA.  data=dJnypup-aH6hKQy04r3j26MU6GM6AY2yo4muwNgh0QNG5g423UskcruI_keuN3R32zFjUrMn838PC4xibTUMHUVDRO5BLTDSsUXpvT9HfZnLbFpc2Db7XH-KSKfvznOowcEgrhNFSphCkQtEKrC6IB1pZrLsaojrKtc,iXZ0QkvBL1haSlcoCYt8qeNYvGX5f2uCKIRmFq

I had my co-pilot check the map three times.  I could not believe this route was accurate – but it was the quickest way.  I drove more than my fair share before we hit PA and than some.  I told my co-pilot my evil plan and God’s fix.  Does God ever play tricks on us?  Do we recognize them as they happen?

Friday was uneventful without any sign of foul play comes to mind.  On Saturday though, I decided to leave the group for a while and told them as I left I was going for a long walk.  On the way to the dorm room where we had accommodations, I stopped off at a beautiful church on the grounds of Mercy Hurst College.  I found myself alone in the church.  I prayed for the deceased, for family, and for many in need.  I took some time in silence and then leafing through the missal I fell on the stations of the cross.


This church had beautiful tile mosaic depictions of the 14 stations of the Cross that capture Jesus Christ journey to his death –  “The Via Dolorosa” or the Way of Suffering.  In a darkened church, I read and prayed at each of these stations unperturbed and walked around the interior of the church as I took in the details of each mosaic and each station of the cross.  mercy I sat down after that and the Church bells rang for the second time while I was there.  It dawned on me that only an hour and a half ago or so I told a group of people I was going on a “long walk.”  The “Long Walk” came to be, but not as I had imagined it.  The “Way of Suffering” is quite something alone in a darkened church and led by contemplative prayer.  Was this another play on my own words?

IMG_2415 (1)We can get so busy sometimes in our lives that we can miss small or even very big signs as we rush about in our worldly concerns.  My wife returned to our room and said don’t forget your cross is over here on the desk.  Just a few minutes earlier I saw the silver chain and cross on the desk and did not recognize it as my own. There was something to this moment, but it wasn’t revealed to me at that time.

Sunday arrived and mass was held at 11 a.m. in the same darkened chapel, but this time with lights on!  You can look up the readings for the sixth Sunday of Easter for context (2019), but here is a small segment of the reading:

I have told you this while I am with you.
The Advocate, the Holy Spirit,
whom the Father will send in my name,
will teach you everything
and remind you of all that I told you.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.
Not as the world gives do I give it to you.
Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid.”  (Jn 14: 25-29)

The priest delivered the homily by walking down the aisle so he was practically horizontal to me as he seemed to direct his words to the believers that occupied the last two rows of the chapel.  There seemed to be a gulf between the front rows and the rear that he would not deter him!  Nonetheless, his voice and inflections were booming.

The personal revelation came to me.  Others will call it coincidental or post-event reinterpretation favoring one’s special status or place.  Believe me, I have no such status among men and if anything, just need to to be hit over the head a few times more than others to accept what is plain as day to everyone else.

Sundays Gospel pointed out the power of the Holy Spirit as well as how dumbstruck and fearful the apostles were with their newfound responsibilities to preach the word of God without Jesus Christ here in their midst.   The early church struggled to form a semblance of narrative to describe the gift they have received.  It was totally unexpected that the Messiah would leave them with an intangible mystery guide.  “God’s love for perishing humanity initiated salvation history and his action of sending his only son.”  They were it.  They would have to face hostility and persecution.  They would have to live and preach the word of God.  They would have to pray, seek, and listen to the advocate.  They would have to live by faith in the absence of Christ in the flesh.   They surely did not understand it at the time.  And even after Christ passing, the apostles and even the church today struggle to define the “advocate” without retreating to mystical nature of the Holy Trinity:  The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit.  Only one has truly been visible to mankind.  Yet, the Catholic church has detailed the gifts and gruit of the Holy Spirit in the Catechism:


1830 The moral life of Christians is sustained by the gifts of the Holy Spirit. These are permanent dispositions which make man docile in following the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

1831 The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit are wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord. They belong in their fullness to Christ, Son of David.109 They complete and perfect the virtues of those who receive them. They make the faithful docile in readily obeying divine inspirations.


What does this have to do with me?  I started my trip on Thursday not necessarily looking for signs of the Holy Spirit.  I would like to believe that I was open and ready to be led should I be granted any consolations however undeserved.

Honestly, life has been wearing me thin and this break away with family and my daughters dance studio to a regional Dance event for aspiring dancers was a welcome break.  My only real duties were driving and occasional chaperone errands – must of which were covered by Dance Moms.

From the get-go – a conversation started.  My plan to only drive a short-time was ridiculed rather quickly and gave me a reminder and reverence for God’s plans.  My selfish desire and humorous plotting were sabotaged without a word being said – and in my heart, I felt it was a cosmic joke upon my selfish thought.  Was this the Holy Spirit?  I cannot convince you even though it is not the first time I have had a spiritual experience while driving.  Do not take shortcuts or take the easier road, bear what is yours to carry seemed to be my message for the trip.

Be careful what you say and be mindful things may not be as they seem.  The long walk was indeed longer than I had ever planned despite being very short in actual distance.    God’s idea of a long walk was very different than mine.  Was this the Holy Spirit?  I cannot convince you even though I assure you I had no intention of symbolically and prayerfully walking the “Way of Suffering.”  Praying and symbolically walking the stations of the cross on Saturday ignited awareness of true suffering.

And now for the tricky revelation.  The lost cross (misplaced on my desk) and its place in this story.  Midway through the homily, the words that came out of my mouth the day before, “I did not recognize it as my own,” came to me from Saturday.   The meaning that hit me was to own my suffering without complaint, to trust in God, to give up a false sense of entitlement, and to accept unfair hostilities and slander.   On the latter note, it does not mean to let these things go unchallenged, but to not let them grab my ego, my pride, and my sense of justice.

Through pray and self-reflection a reasonable response mixed with patience, action, and faith is called for at this time.   I found myself praying for my perceived oppressors.   All seven of the gifts of the Holy Spirit can be found in this short trip to Erie Pa.

That little cross on the desk is my very own.  My little sufferings and tribulations are my own.  My advocate is there if only I have eyes to see and ears to hear.  The hostilities I face unfairly, the judgments against me, and my perceptions of stress are out of whack with the reality of God’s love for me and you.

If we look for it, if we pray and find time to be silent with God, we can encounter the Trinity and perhaps even be guided by the Holy Spirit.  If we experience this we have experienced God’s love.  I have much to be grateful for in this world.  I, however, must not become too attached to these gifts as they all are temporal and of this world.

The present moment is real and what we have to work with today.  Yesterday and tomorrow are out of our reach. We can learn from the former and prepare for the latter – but not to seriously as to exaggerate our own omnipotence.

Nine hundred miles and twenty-five dance performances later I hope I am a little wiser and a little closer to God.  Yet I know the gulf between God and myself is beyond my mastery, like the priest yelling to the back of the church, the gulf is real and only passable by God’s love and mercy.  In the meantime, paying attention and looking for the Holy Spirit within us and around us, is the gift Jesus Christ left us:

“An encounter with divine love is an encounter with God’s own self, and the Advocate is this a personification of that divine love.”  (May 03, 2019:  Jesuit Review, M. Simone)

A drive, a long walk, and a Crucifix.  Finding God in our daily lives is a personal calling.  Without God, each of these events is just a meaningless circumstance, a figment of my fertile imagination or lack thereof!

I have read about the lives of many saints and am sometimes jealous of their consolations received and spiritual strength.   Then I pause and think of their hardships and trials and take a pass!  Sometimes the mundane is all we can manage!

I still cannot bring myself to ask for more suffering like Catherine of Sienna.  I justify it in my head saying it is not good to test God to save me from more suffering by giving me the strength and courage to carry a bigger cross.  And yet, if you can read this, you share with me our greatest challenge that lay ahead – our eventual mortality.  I can only say, “God’s will, not mine, be done.”







Christianity is a package deal

Fetus’s or the unborn are once again being shamefully used to raise or sink political campaigns. All of a sudden voters who never walked a picket line for either side of this social issue are passionately pro life or pro choice. The moral peril of surface ideology has never been so apparent. Christianity is not an a la carte deal. In for a penny, in for a pound. What does that mean?


She passes through this Word, enduring with true gentle patience every pain and trouble that I permit her for her own good.  She accepts it courageously, choosing my way over her own.  And she suffers not only patiently, but gladly.”  Pg. 163

At first glance, my human instinct is to repel this idea with many objections:

  1. What word?
  2. Gentle patience with every pain?
  3. Someone permits the pain for her own good?
  4. She accepts it courageously?
  5. And gladly?

And it only gets worse.  The someone who allows these tragedies to unfold for this women is God the Father, and the word is his words as revealed to her.  My child, you are going to suffer significantly, I could alleviate your pain this very moment, but I will not.  You will come to understand and be glad that I have given you such troubles.

Most of us do not have such direct revelations as this women.  But if we did would we not protest grievously?  Do we not protest today our major sufferings much less our mild nuisances in life?  Do we ask for more suffering gladly? Should we ask for more suffering?  I dare say not!  And her suffering was extreme.

This quote is from The Dialogue, Catherine of Siena, in the chapter called Tears.  The concept of accepting suffering, meaningless, accidental, or purposefully inflicted suffering by another, is not new for Christian contemplatives.  file-20171016-21977-1jxc9twOur role model and Savior Jesus Christ taught us with the ultimate sacrifice.    Yet I struggle with the concept to ask for more.  Despite how little suffering I have carried relative to others and the vast potential to suffer greater indignities and pain, I do not dare to ask for more.  Much less to be happy to receive more pain – and not to glorify me but to it praise God!  A silent sacrifice devoid of any intent of self-promotion or seeking selfish spiritual consolations.  Yes, send me more?

These two sentences almost passed me by as an absurdity for anyone but the saints.  And then a wave of the confrontations I have experienced in life with misery, pain, and suffering overtook me.  o-WIPE-TEAR-570My childhood adversity score is quite high (google ACE study and test yourself).  My adulthood included a few self-inflicted wounds as well as externally inflicted losses.    By all accounts, I have pretty good reason to question the existence of an all-powerful and personal God.  Accepting one also necessitates reconciling that God “allows” my misery and much worse atrocities to exist.   And still, I believe.

In retrospect, human free will, and their decisions contributed to my pain.  Other pains are built into our lives by genetics, nature, accidental causes, and human mortality.  Amid these life events a combination of personal resiliency and many supportive people, I have been able to experience the highs and lows of a volatile life and catch glimpses of angels in our midst at work.  I have also in retrospect seen my evolution transformed many times over, and I say this with minimal ego, in fact, as sometimes I am rowing the other way as the forces of good carry me onwards.

How has pain and suffering shattered or nourished your faith?  I have experienced both in my journey.  It is sad to admit, but my sense of faith has been most robust under two conditions:

  1. When I am in the midst of personal failure, loss, or witnessing unfathomable suffering, and
  2. When I am in the presence of holy people, in meaningful pray, or reading the saintly works.

I would like to believe my faith grew in leaps and bounds by my own works and by my sincere gratitude of the favors granted me in life.  They have provided me with the strength and resources to practice compassion, empathy, and love for others.  While these things do strengthen my faith – they have not jettisoned me into serious contemplation and soul-searching as the first two conditions have nurtured.

The first two conditions have given me a base of humility that transcends human definitions.  My ability to handle misery and pain in the face of adversity is undoubtedly wanting.     Any received praise and platitudes, individual achievements, or other standard measures of the worthiness of a man fail me when held in comparison to the lives of the genuinely saintly or the gold standard of holiness.

All is not lost though.  The tears that we experience can be transformed.  Have you ever had tears silently and sadly flow gently as you experienced a melancholy understanding of both crushing loss and joyous peace?  I have learned through suffering more than I have learned through successes. man

I am still unable to ask God for more.  In my prayers, I do express, “Your will, not mine, be done.”  Sometimes I add I trust in you to give me what I can handle, but God I myself am incapable of handling anymore.  I am keenly aware of being careful what I ask for from God.

To accept my lot with patience, courage, and a happy disposition calls for significant growth!  And I have been working at this for a very long time.  As I reread this passage, it is no longer foreign to me.  You and I have lived it whether we recognize it or not.  This is like one of those films that never closes the chapter, only ignites the mystery and leaves you wanting the sequel, yet you know only you can write the ending.


“The picture above represents a most unusual apparition in which Our Lady of La Salette was seen by two children Melanie Mathieu and Maxim Giraud, in the small French village of La Sallette, located near Grenoble, on September 19, 1846. She first appeared emerging from a globe of light, weeping over our sins.”



The 4 Partnerships 

My God is the most exceptional partner.   My God, Jesus, Mary, Saints, and Spiritual writers are my bedrock of sanity.  From the unimaginable to the tangible written word I have spiritual guidance and solace.   While they are within me and outside me, I still must actively seek union between my corporal body and thoughts and my soul’s wisdom and guidance.  The tools for me include daily prayer, Ignatian Examin, spiritual direction, and the sacraments of the church.   I was not called to be a hermit, yet I have been invited to live a holy life.

My meditation practices are for my peace.  Meditation is required of me to tame my anxious mind and unforgiving nature towards myself.  Without it, I tend to become overly enmeshed in human desires, fear-based thinking, pain avoidance, and the utter hopelessness of the human condition.  I place my actions in overdrive and even when in a state of non-activity remain hypervigilant to maximize achieving my ideas and pursuit of coveted ends and control of my destiny.  A mind on overdrive leaves little room for any partners of the spiritual or human variety. self-control

You can find many ancient proverbs and biblical writing on “self-mastery” before attempting any external endeavors.  Whether you turn to the philosophical world or spiritual for reference, the aim is the same.  Here is a modern day writer and blogger that I have never read, but whose quote seems to capture the balance of integration of action and restraint:

“As a rule, we must not be the slaves of passion; rather, we must be the possessors of great passions. Through passion commences power, but passions should not direct our paths; rather, passions should be our bridled horses, with us commanding whence and to they be directed. Our passions must not take their own courses; but they must be directed by us into which course they ought to take. Modern day people blindly follow the notion that to be slaves to their passions is to be free! But for one to be the Master of one’s passions is to be not only free— but powerful.”  ― C. JoyBell C.

My body deserves its due.  It is the only vehicle I have, and it comes with no warranties.  I am fortunate enough to have access to healthy food, clean water, a gym, and subject matter experts on both nutrition and exercise.   I have no excuse to not treat my body like a temple that hosts my soul and carries out my spiritual and meditation practices.

My human partners are where the rubber hits the road.  My spiritual metal, mindful practices, and overall physical health will be severely tested and nourished by the relationships I keep as well as the relationships imposed upon me by happenstance.  The vastness of this partnership network is too exhaustive to nail down here, but each requires nurturance and respect commensurate with demands,  sometimes reciprocal and sometimes vastly unequal.   Involvement with family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, strangers, church groups, spiritual director, fraternal organizations, self-help groups, charities, clubs, political groups, and anyone you come into contact must be treated with dignity and respect regardless of circumstance.

An imbalance or neglect of any of these four partners (Spiritual soul, mindful awareness, physical health, and human relationships) collapses the whole.   Sometimes a fifth partner is needed as well.

Professional help is also a potential partner.  For some of us, we need additional partners that although considered of the human variety, take on an unnatural essence as their services must be sought out and provided compensation for their expertise.  Physical or psychological conditions have overwhelmed our capacity to resolve the presenting issue.  Regardless of origin, these conditions have caused sufficient damage that requires rehabilitative interventions and support of the professional type.  While these professionals are of the human variety, the relationship is not reciprocal.  They are there for a price to meet your needs when they exceed your resources.  They have dedicated their lives to being prepared for helping people that fall into suffering and need help accepting or alleviating said conditions.

I write this for myself as I embark on another chapter in my life, not disconnected from the previous episodes or discontinuous, but an extension and expansion of purpose.   It is time to take stock and realign my actions and intentions with my beliefs and mission.  Some call it a personal inventory or taking stock of where you are today as opposed to where you want to be.  Perhaps call it the State of the Union of the four partners.  The fifth partner if you have any, will graciously be considered a part of the human partners!   They often demonstrate a higher possession of humanity and humility than the average person by their exposure to immense suffering in the people they help.  I have some work to do!  How about you?

The majority of readers of this post will stumble under the assumption that their “State of the Union” is strong.  It is my opinion that this cannot be.  The evidence is all around us.  We witness heinous acts of violence, abuse of power, incessant gossip, lies, greed, power mongering, and other senseless and selfish actions every day.  If we look closely, we may be the ones committing the acts or by our silence contributing to a culture that supports an unprincipled and unholy life.    By relativity standards, I could make the case that the state of my union is strong.  But if I hold the state of my union up against the full human capacity to live a holy and disciplined life, conscious and aware in my every action, I am far from being strong.   What is the state of your union?  Is it in any of the four partnerships lacking?  Do you need a fifth partner?

Others will fail by being overwhelmed by the immensity of feeling, emotions, and responsibility that emerges by taking stock.  Procrastination and avoidance to preserve a sense or actual comfortableness with our adequacy or even inadequacy.   Unifying all the partners requires specific effort and discipline.  They are frequently co-existing in contradiction.    It takes effort to live in opposition, yet we do it all the time.   We are at the end of the day human and incapable of perfecting harmony of the four partners and unified self.

And finally, a lack of knowledge and specific action plan to pursue greater integration and unification of the whole will defeat many to relying on autopilot in a state of status quo.  A self-justifying rationalization will support leaving some areas of the partnership underdeveloped.  Through neglect, we neglect to maximize living our lives to the full potential.   Excessive activities will create enough fog and chaos to keep any uncomfortable reflections recessed and buried under the clutter of our very sense of self-importance and necessary goal-driven actions.  Who has the time for contemplation and self-care?

Without proper self-care, I believe the integration of mind, body, spirit and human relationships is unnecessarily hampered and ruinous to living our ideal selves.  ChristWhile my perfect person spiritually may differ from yours (Christianity), the bulk of ancient philosophical treaties, eastern and western thoughts, and significant religions will converge on the principals of integration of mind, body, spirit and direct application to every human relationship we encounter.

Where are you today in your practice of self-care:

  1. Spirituality (of any faith) and nurturance
  2. The consciousness of your thoughts and mindful decisions (fully informed and not auto-pilot)
  3. Nutrition and Excercise (and perhaps add appropriate sleep!)
  4. Healthiness in relationships (and any negative relationships that need to be restored or healed)
  5. Do you need professional help (from often great humanitarians!) for any spiritual, psychological, or physical conditions that are impeding you from living to your full potential?

You deserve to be the best you can be and if that is not enough for you, the people around you deserve and need the best You!  This is a life long process, never-ending and always unfolding new and deeper wisdom.  Never too late to start or restart wherever you left off and never time to stop until you are no more.  Seeking to perfect our selves is an infinite process within an infinity of life that we cannot ever fully comprehend.


The wicked in Life

You know you can name a few people that come to mind.  Wickedness or evil by another name is alive and well.  We can name it, identify it, codify it in our laws and social norms, and perhaps even struggle intimately with our very own wicked thoughts and actions. Also if we are free of the latter are we not prone to judge the former?  Today I invite you to contemplate our relationship with others and yourself in the context of the existence of wickedness and evil:

“The wicked in this life serve the promotion of virtue in my servants, just as the devils in hell serve as my executioners and promoters.”   (The Dialogue, Catherine of Siena, pg. 150).

Initially deconstructing this sentence in my head was difficult as my heart had an immediate aversion to its implications.  I leaped to an insinuation that all wickedness and evil was explainable and to be accepted as somehow part of a higher divine test.  Alas, after sitting with this a bit, I pulled back to a more exact deconstruction of this sentence.  Wicked people allow us to deepen our faith and our virtue just as Christ expressed the greatest sacrifice for our sins at the hands of his executioners.

The greatest mystery of our faith would not have been possible without a plethora of evil acts that prepared for and ultimately led to an authority sanctioned crucifixion of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The execution was not a single act of evil.  It was a campaign of evil and wicked plotting carried out by many and eventually supported by enough people to allow for both the Jewish and Roman authorities to let the travesty proceed.  The attacks were perpetrated with lies, slander, gossip, calculated test, and traps set all throughout Jesus’s ministry.     And then the ultimate betrayal by Judas of Iscariot for 30 shekels of silver.      

It is worthy of taking a divergence here on Judas’s role in history.  We despise traitors in American culture.  Loyalty and commitment are expected as a form of our patriotism, in our religious institutions, social circles, and even allegiance to sports teams.  Yet we see traitors and departures at every level of our society.  Minor defections often occur with sports fans as their team takes a significant dive or they relocate to a new area.  To some this is not a small issue – it makes you unworthy of being a sports fan at all!  Nationally we have had some very famous defections (Alrdick Ames, the Rosenbergs, Robert Hansen, and Benedict Arnold).   Spiritually how often do we defect from our cause by our actions or by failing to stand up against the social injustices of today?  Judas did not defect without reason.   

It was not just greed for 30 shekels of silver.  Perhaps his faith was never really judasthirtypiecesofsilvertodaysmoney1authentically sealed to sustain him for the sacrifices pending if he had remained loyal to his apostleship. Maybe he saw that Jesus and the apostles were losing the campaign to win the hearts of the Jewish people.  He saw the end was near as forces coalesced.  Judas recognized the inevitable and could not see any other path except Jesus’ demise.  They would find Jesus whether he participated or not.   He would have nothing left after his sacrifice of following and supporting Jesus, only to be crushed by his own people.  Thirty shekels does not sound like much but in real dollars today could equal to about four months of wages!

Now let’s apply the Judas principle today in a less dramatic fashion.  The Lord’s church (Ekklesia) remains as the apostleship of Christ to preach the good word and the faith to all people and all nations.  Its enemies are numerous in nature. 

There are well-intentioned secularist, agnostics, and competing religious denominations countering Catholicism’s theology and role in society with reasoned and principled arguments.    Catholics have provided this group with legitimate concerns as our actions collectively have presented a pervasive practice of moral evils (clergy sex abuse crisis), consent by our silence on multiple social justice issues (poverty, capital punishment, equality,  extreme nationalism, immigration, and war), and dwindling church pews in developed nations.  These issues challenge any legitimacy our church claims on religious and spiritual grounds. 

And then there are the not so well-intentioned critics that attack the church by any means necessary to promote or preserve their own interest.  American politicians, dictatorships, extreme capitalism proponents protecting their individual wealth, authors and media outlets feeding on controversy,  and individuals who live and practice with wicked intentions and actions for personal satisfaction. Members in this group may alternately support the church when it pleases their cause and attacks it convenient.  This is evident today with the multiple attacks on Pope Francis by faithful that do not appreciate Catholicisms role to love the poor.     

And then there is you.  Every day your loyalty to the church is tested when confronted with poverty (homeless in your streets), politics (think immigration and death penalty), individual decisions (consider gossip, greed, intentions), and overall alliance and commitment to God in your every action.  What if I offered you 30,000 dollars to write a negative opinion op-ed piece on how your parish and church has disappointed you?  Could you see some Catholics accepting this offer, perhaps even justifying it by rationalizing everything they have to say is already known and will only help raise awareness and promote the church reform?   Afterall we do have a responsibility to stand up to evil whether it is within our own congregation or not!   The latter is actually noble and if done without the intention of personal gain may even be saintly.  Don’t forget Jesus Christ himself was the original rebel standing up against rigid Judaism.

I say to you that even Judas is worthy of our forgiveness and that we are unqualified to judge Judas or any other sinners and evil ones amongst us.  I say to you evil or wicked actions committed against us provide us the opportunity to deepen our faith and our good works.  I go a step further and advocate that even accidental harms or natural demise (diseases) present us with an opportunity as well to deepen our faith.

First, we can turn to Matthew ‘s gospel (7: 1-5) on judging others:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.  “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Living with these unnecessary transgressions against us or with human suffering experienced at the hands of diseases, nature, or other accidental situations is not for the faint of heart.  Where do we turn for help? Perhaps Matthew 7: 7-12:  


“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

This little entry from Christ teaching not only teaches us to ask for help but at the same time calls us to “in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.”

Here we are presented with another challenge.  The evil and wicked amongst us are sometimes living by a standard of doing to others what they believe you would do unto them if afforded the opportunity.  Many a vile and evil person has had many evils perpetrated against them.   They may lack the moral conscience from which to even contemplate making an ethical decision when choosing to commit wicked or evil actions.  It is reduced to purely a primal act of survival or self-serving effort to further their individual interest.   It is neither right nor wrong.  Just necessary.  This is scary as hell, no pun intended.  It is literally hell on earth.

When our social conscience as a society or our individual conscience is alienated from our inner calling to God (by any name) the propensity for evil and wickedness is magnificent.   You may be averse to the use of adjective magnificent here.  But I assure you that individuals achieving personal success or collective success by evil or wicked actions can often be seen boasting of their great feats of obtaining immense wealth or power by dubious or in their minds brilliant means.   In there lives the means justify the ends.  We participate in this as well when we allow, for example, our political leaders and parties to outright lie and shade the truth to achieve political power and influence.   In essence, we may justify supporting a candidate because they will win anyway and cast our vote as they have some policies that will benefit us.  We may be silent when they lie and manipulate or even when their policies hurt us as our social identity will suffer if we admit any wrongdoing.   In this case, we would be loyal to a party and disloyal to our spiritual values.   We may even benefit a few shekels in our weekly paycheck.

Hopefully, if you are reading this blog, you indeed have an active conscience.  I fear that many of us have an active conscience that is on autopilot.  We are generally good people.  Raised on sound values and adopted most social norms.  On the surface, we are mostly in alignment with the ten commandments.   I believe we are at risk here of failing to subject our conscience to daily spiritual examination to ensure our intentions and actions are aligned with God as opposed to purely human social norms or even religious institutionalized spirituality.

An Alethia and WordPress Blogger, John Burger, did a piece on John Henry Newman’s definition of the conscience. He blogged the following two paragraphs that I chose to include in its entirety verbatim as I cannot summarize it any better!

John Henry NewmanNewman described conscience as “the aboriginal vicar of Christ.” What he meant is that it is through our conscience that we first hear the voice of God speaking to us. Building off this point, Newman was insistent that we are compelled to follow our conscience at all times. Doing otherwise would undercut the ability to live a coherent moral life. The Church, Newman argued, would be foolish to attack the importance of the following conscience. In doing so, the magisterium would be in effect sawing off the very branch that it sits upon because it is precisely through heeding conscience that persons can recognize the truthfulness of Catholic moral theology and follow the path to sanctity.

All that being said, Newman also warned against a false understanding of conscience, which understands conscience as “the right of self-will”—the prerogative to define right and wrong for oneself. In this light, it’s not enough to talk about the primacy of conscience without addressing the importance of having our consciences properly formed. Those who pit conscience against Church teaching fail to see how God has providentially ordained the Church as a trustworthy guide in the moral life.  Conscience and Church authority exist in a reciprocal, not competitive relationship.”

To live and co-exist with wicked among us while also experiencing accidental suffering we are called by God to listen to our conscience. Forgive our oppressors (evil and wicked people), ask for God’s help (Ask, See Knock), and “in everything we do” love others as we would like ourselves to be loved. This includes the wicked who serve as antagonists to deepen our faith.    Oh, I forgot, when the chips are low don’t be like Judas!

How do we avoid the errors of Judas, dramatically or in minor actions?  Pray.





Mary Magdalene

A two-dollar book bargain from a flea market vendor in Florida provided me with an exploratory look at “The Gospel of Mary Magdalene” by Jean-Yves Leloup originally published in 2002. You have not heard of the Gospel of Mary Magdalene? Surely you have heard of Mary Magdalene though?


Leloup makes a convincing case that Mary Magdalene was indeed a major player in the early church and the discovery of the Gnostic Gospel of Mary in Cairo in the year 1896 unveils a new perception on just how powerful Mary of Magdalene’s role was both during Christ life and at the time of his death.

US Catholic has an article entitled “Who Framed Mary Magdalene” and validates many of the central points that Leloup articulates

“Now that scripture scholars have debunked the myth that she and the infamous repentant sinner who wiped Jesus’ feet with her tears are one and the same woman, word is trickling down that Mary Magdalene’s penitent prostitute label was a misnomer. Instead, her true biblical portrait is being resurrected, and this “apostle to the apostles” is finally taking her rightful place in history as a beloved disciple of Jesus and a prominent early church leader.”

Pope Francis agrees. “Pope Francis took the biggest step yet to rehabilitate Mary Magdalene’s image by declaring a major feast day in her honor, June 22. His 2016 decree put the woman who first proclaimed Jesus’ resurrection on par with the liturgical celebrations of the male apostles.”

Leloup takes a deep dive into the actual fragment of writing found that are attributed to Mary of Magdalene and then expounds on them both for their originality and complimentary agreement with the accepted canon Gospels, but only after giving you the actual text without commentary. You can read the entire fragments of the gospel here:

Leloups style is very interesting and promising. He does not attack the canonical gospels and they by far are our most complete and most historically accepted documents.

Instead, he accepts the ambiguity of authenticity and controversies and leaves that for you the reader to explore. He leaps off with the words of Mary of Magdalene and places them in context with a codex of the cannon Gospels. He then expounds on what it means for us today in light of the revelations of not only this document – but others as well. He does a deep dive into the metaphysical realities of spirituality that we often find missing or stifled by religious instruction. The Gospel of Mary he portrays as a Gospel of teaching that ignites the spiritual imagination to be able to live the faith after Jesus in the flesh has left us.

And it was she who was first to see Jesus post-resurrection. There is not much left of this fragment of writing, but it is enough to ignite your spiritual imagination.  It also may you leave you wondering if the church is ready to admit and act on the falsity of our male-dominated institution.  mary

Deeper than that though, how about Pope Francis’s reflection that “Her tears at Christ’s empty tomb are a reminder that “sometimes in our lives, tears are the lenses we need to see Jesus.”

“Archbishop Roche explained that in giving St Mary Magdalene the honor of being the first person to see the empty tomb and the first to listen to the truth of the resurrection, “Jesus has a special consideration and mercy for this woman, who manifests her love for him, looking for him in the garden with anguish and suffering.”  The-Repentant-St-Mary-Magdalene-1617-21

Drawing a comparison between Eve, who “spread death where there was life,” and St Mary Magdalene, who “proclaimed life from the tomb, a place of death,” the archbishop said her feast day is a lesson for all Christians to trust in Christ who is “alive and risen.”

“It is right that the liturgical celebration of this woman has the same level of feast given to the celebration of the apostles in the general Roman calendar and highlights the special mission of this woman who is an example and model for every woman in the Church.”


Prayer last night (day 9 of lent) bought me a little Ignatian Examen prayer. I simple started my prayers the way I normally do and reviewed my day for any remnants of the following all too human tendencies:

  1. My fears
  2. My attachments
  3. My need for control
  4. Illusions of entitlement

Each of these may not be readily apparent at first glance or very familiar friends with our psyche! My guided “examin” led me to reflect on each and theme and eventually to choose a theme and ask God for help tomorrow with that one issue.

I don’t know about you but I can store up fears pretty easily, have attachments very quickly, attempt to organize and control what I perceive as necessary outcomes for the day, and sometimes have an out-sized expectation of what I deserve or what should be!

Yesterday was a terrible day. Today, starting with a prayer of gratitude and further reflection on last nights reorientation (which apparently I needed) today was nothing short of miraculous for me. If I could bottle it, I would fall prey to becoming attached to the graces and success of today by trying to preserve the good feelings I have now at the end of the day into a bottle to hold and preserve (as opposed to the downtrodden spirit of the night before!)

The secret which sometimes evades me is my God is there by my side during turbulent times as well as good times – if I just took the time to be aware.

My day was not uneventful. I was presented with the same stress, challenges, and pressures that come with my professional calling daily. Family and personal commitments did not disappear. Yet my day was somehow harmonized and peaceful. Despite having activity and responsibilities from 7 a.m. up to 9:30 p.m. I had a day that was beyond my expectations. And yet there was no one thing that was dramatic or immense. Today was sufficient for me!

There was a freedom today that I can only describe as God’s grace. I write this with great trepidation and vulnerability. It is a subjective experience that others can attack as co-incidence, grandiosity (who is he to claim he has received God’s grace today), happenstance, accidental, delusional, or many other not so dignified adjectives. I am guilty at having had cynical thoughts about many a believer that has expressed being recipients of graces from God. Some are hard to fathom and yet expressed by people that I know to be genuine and humble.

I am tiring now and my eyes are heavy. I will retire shortly. Today though, before I retire, was a glorious day. Not everyday will be this way. I have had periods of spiritual aridity as most of us have rather frequently in this secular world. I do not understand or fully grasp the paradoxes of human suffering, the role of divine Providences, or the countless theological foundations that our tested everyday by our human actions and relationships to each other and to God.

What I do understand today was prayer from last night and the nights preceding was answered for me today. It is astounding to me to make that claim. I do not like to make claims I cannot prove and yet I feel compelled to share the power of prayer and this little FACE examin that led me last night (from Fr. Mark Thibodeaux’s book Reimagining the Ignatian Examen).


The morning of day 4 of our Lenten Journey that I share with 2.19 Billion Christians? It cannot be. A century ago there were only 600 million recorded. Yet it can feel like we are only 600 million strong.

And even that number does not capture the loneliness of being a believer. Yes, having belief and faith in God can be a very lonely experience today. Yesterday at noon I was able to get to church. There is the consolation of the redeemer in the sacrament of the Eucharist, the comfort of the rituals, the wisdom of the liturgy, and a scattering of believers in the pews. Yet the experience for me was a very lonely experience.

Each of us carried into church the weariness of our sufferings and challenges of our deeply oriented secular world, spent sometime receiving graces and giving prayer, and left quietly 45 minutes later to return to an indifferent world. Sometimes the saintly most walk alone.

Once outside of the believer bubble we face unrelenting bombardment of human suffering, horrific clerical failures, negative news cycles, systemic injustices, and wide spread corruption on a national and global scale. Personally we may see these injustices directly affecting us or our loved ones. And on a deeply personal level we must also contend with our relationship with others and how they are treating us as well as how well we are living our the Christian ethos in our daily relationships.

Doing so with humility and in most secular circles without any reference to our spiritual principles can be daunting. Even with fellow believers, raising our shared beliefs when it is inconvenient is an easy way to kill a communication and possibly even a friendship. Many individuals do not hold the spiritual and moral norms of our faith despite perhaps espousing to do so and or even have been in the pew besides us Sunday past.

Belief has become a deeply personal experience that is not welcome in the public sphere. Genuine and non-ostentatious effort to raise our Christian voices are seen as hypocritical and ostentatious. To put it blatantly, our society including many Christians believe living Christian ideals as a nation is impractical, in-achievable, and idealistically naive. This is evident in our political representation (and votes) where we have anti-immigration, anti-social justice, and anti-poor poverty legislation. It is evident in our congregations as we have deep suspicions of the “other” on many different levels. And yet we believe and strive.

How do we persist? How do we grow? There are many tools of faith that exceed this post scope. Today I will share one from my morning reading from a Lenten guide (called the Little Black Book) that I picked up while traveling few weeks back when I visited a lovely church that had an open and warm greeting atmosphere as well as juice and cookies in the foyer for after church mingling. (I did not feel alone that day in Church despite being among strangers!).

The reading raised the idea of there are days when I think I am useless. There are days when I can’t seem to do anything worthwhile. The author challenges us to look at by what standards are we judging ourselves?

Are we judging ourselves by our individual standards or by the standards of others? Are we judging ourselves or others by material standards? Are we assuming we understand our role within the larger framework of good and evil or our role within the mystery of Divine Providence?

The author suggest that “God measures our worth by the love in my heart, the prayers on my lips, the faith deep within, the hope that never fails, the suffering patiently endured and offered to God.” I can certainly do better with the latter.

Saint Therese (the little flower) and other Saints have actually prayed to God to send them suffering so they may better serve him! I imperfectly in my prayers say “God, I don’t think I can handle anymore, but your will, not mine, be done.” Perhaps we should not be so focused on what we accomplish? This is so antithetical to western thought.

I so desire to write everyday to share my Lenten journey. Day two was wonderful and God provided me several living affirmations as I served others. Day three was quietly circumspect and day four just underway.

That being said I am living a Lenten journey while doing what God calls me to do. I cannot retreat from the world for forty days and live a contemplative life or writing blog post!. I am where I should be today. I do not know where I will be tomorrow or what sufferings or blessing will come my way. I do not know how my actions will serve God or serve as a vehicle for divine providence. I have only gratitude and surrender to God’s will.

This can be a very lonely experience, especially in times of spiritual aridity. This little sacrifice is feebly humorous when contrasted to the pain and suffering of others or to the greatest sacrifice ever given by the Son of God to redeem us before the father.

Perhaps let me simplify my message today with words from St. Catherine of Siena:

Have a wonderful and contemplative Lenten experience!


A.M. seemed days ago when my day began with a reading on Lent. The ashes on my head from the morning Mass to start the day is a faint memory. Mine seemed to be a cross over between the Franciscan and the one stroke above. I have decided on a sacrifice that I do not need to name here name here. Omission of an activity that brings worldly satisfaction is not that hard to do.

Action on the other hand requires effort. Day 1 of lent this year was planned for me before I awoke with the groundwork laid perhaps before I was born. The efforts I made were not overly demanding today and yet they were more so than I ever imagined myself doing.

There was opportunity today to look into the eyes of others struggling with greater misfortune than eye, and by both compassion and comparison, revelations of my life’s journey, good and bad, times past were revealed to me as if I was watching a movie, standing outside myself, life in a Charles Dickens novel. The past can be hard enough, but not as threatening as the future!

I am a little wary of where Lent will bring me like when Ebenezer Scrooge was told he will be visited three ghost, he replied simply “I’d rather not!” How often do we turn away from personal revelation into busy activity by turning outward to the world rather than inward to the spirit?

Not much time today for self-reflection or significant prayer time. Soon I will retire to my nightly prayer. It will not be long before my eye lids fall from days exhaustion and my mind departs to the mystery of dreams.

Hopefully this first day of Lent called you to reflect some, make minor or major adjustments where you could, and gave the rest up to God once you were exhausted with what could be done by your hands as guided by the Holy Spirit.

Until tomorrow, in the words of Tiny Tim, God bless Us, Everyone!

P.S. If you are not sure how to approach Lent this year, perhaps a Jesuit guide to Lent can guide you:

Lent beginnings

Wednesday cannot come too soon. Join me in reflection and preparation for a Lenten journey. If it were within my power everyone I know and everyone they know and so on would prepare now as if this were the last chance to prepare ourselves for eternity. So dramatic and out of reach. It is it really?

The song Shallow resonates with us. We know it to possess hidden spiritual truths. This lent fill that void with spiritual permanence. In the movie “A star is born” Jack was so close to the answer, and but one dissenting voice took him away from the road forward.

Tell me something, boy, do you ever get tired of tryin’ fill that void….

%d bloggers like this: